What is it like to be the only surviving twin?

Oh heyyyyyy! Julia here.

We all have unique stories and experiences in this crazy journey called life. Today I want to share one of mine with you – it’s about what my experience is like being the only twin living.

To give you some backstory…

My identical twin sister, Amy, and I were born on August 5th – born just around 25 weeks. I was 1 lb, 8.5 oz and my sister weighed even less than that. My sister only lived for 9 days – she had complications with a grade 4 brain bleed and also her kidneys weren’t functioning properly, which meant her body wasn't able to properly process toxins. I meanwhile was in the hospital for the first 4 months of my life and fighting for my life.

Growing up over the years I can’t say I have physical memories per se - but looking back there have been many emotions I can pinpoint back to the grief of losing my identical twin. I can remember this feeling of utter loneliness. This unexplained guilt that I felt (which I now know people refer to as survivor’s guilt). This confusion and ache as to why I was here on this earth without her. (Just to name a few)

My mom (later in life) shared a story that when I was three years old I would cry and sob because I missed Amy so much. My response to my mom was, “Well, three year olds get super tired at the end of the day, so that probably had something to do with it.” Her response, “No Julia, That type of grief can not be made up.”

Another example was when we were getting ready for my five year old birthday party. I had my mom write invitations for people (because I couldn’t quite write yet), and I wanted to wrote one to Amy. I asked my mom to write an invitation saying: “ You can come to my birthday party, but you can’t sit in my lap. You will be in my heart.”

So even though I don’t have any physical memories with my sister – CLEARLY there is a spiritual/intuitive connection between us.

I knew that one day I was going to have to face these emotions inside me – the loneliness, the aching, the loss, the confusion. The thing is, if we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel our nig emotions, they get stuck inside of us. Then we just keep carrying them around for years and decades.

When doing your inner work, there are many ways/tools you can use to process the internal emotions. One of the methods I came across on my journey was breath work. (Breath work is where you inhale from the mouth and exhale through the mouth continuously for a period of time. The intent is to use your breath as a way to by-pass the brain and get in tune with your body) There was one breath session I vividly remember where I went into a vision. In this particular vision Amy and I were back in our mother’s womb. Just as we were getting ready to be delivered into this world, Amy told me she was going to help bring me into earth, but then pass on so she could go to a higher dimension.She said one of the lessons I needed to learn was that I am capable of doing this life on my own - but I wouldn’t actually be “alone” because she would still be with me. I remember sobbing and sobbing, as I fully allowed the aching, the loss, the heartbreak, the feeling of rejection, wash through me.

Me being able to face these emotions and being able to talk to my sister who is “on the other side” is a huuuuge part in me being able to get closure on the situation.

Today I experience her as a bright blue/pure white light. She is one of my guides and I undoubtedly feel her presence every day.

I would love to hear your experience with talking with loved ones who have passed on. Do you talk to them? How do they show up in your life? Are you afraid to talk to them, or does talking with them bring you comfort?

Sending so much love your way.